Do you feel like you’re running on empty, constantly putting everyone else first? What if I told you that being ‘selfish’—truly taking time for yourself—is the key to showing up better for everyone you care about? Maybe you believe that, maybe you don’t! Read on anyway!
Hi there! My name is Sandra, and welcome to the latest installment of my blog, Solve My Life!
I know you have heard this before. You would not be here reading this blog or watching this video if you weren’t tired of struggling through life trying to keep your head above water or struggling to make ends meet. I know I am.
Today, we’re tackling a topic that might make you uncomfortable but will make some change in your life if you let it: Being Selfish! Yes, you heard me right.
If you’re a parent, caregiver, working two jobs to make ends meet, or the go-to person for everyone else’s needs, then this blog is for you.
It’s time to explore what being “selfish” really means and why it’s an essential key to living a healthier, happier life—for you and those you care about.
I know what you’re thinking: But Sandra, being selfish is wrong! It’s about ignoring responsibilities, stepping on others, or only looking out for yourself. That’s NOT who I am! My (children, job, fill in the blank,) come first!
I am 61 years old and thirty or forty years ago we didn’t have or use the word/term “self-care.” That term was more often referred to as selfishness!
I learned years ago that this being “selfish” business is very true. So let’s talk about what I mean by selfish. I am not talking about being the kind of person who doesn’t think of others, who doesn’t take care of anyone else, who only thinks of their own personal gain, who ignores responsibility and who takes from family and friends and never thinks to give back in return.
In fact being “selfish,” in the right way, is a powerful act of self-love and self-preservation. So let’s dive in, get clear on what healthy selfishness looks like, and uncover why it’s exactly what you need right now.
(Let’s be honest here…you know if you are not taking care of yourself. And, you know, that if you could let go of one or two obligations that you could make more time for your own self-care.)
I learned a long time ago that you really cannot be there for anyone else until you first are there for yourself. No one will suffer if you take some me time, because in the end, I promise that the benefits will far outweigh the sacrifices.
Where to start: Find a quiet, loving space where you won’t be distracted. Take 20–30 minutes to start this exercise, breathing deeply to ground yourself. Use your journal, take your time, and revisit the questions as needed—your answers may evolve over time.
Part One: Redefining Selfishness
First, let’s clear up what we mean by “selfish.” When I talk about being selfish, I don’t mean ignoring your loved ones, shirking responsibilities, or constantly putting yourself first without consideration for others. I’m talking about putting your self-care on your priority list and acknowledging that your well-being matters.
If you are constantly giving, caring for others, and taking on more than you can handle, you’ll eventually burn out. And here’s the kicker—you won’t be able to help anyone if you’re exhausted, resentful, or running on empty.
Healthy selfishness means:
- 1. Saying “no” to commitments that drain you.
- 2. Taking time to recharge so you can give your best self to others.
- 3. Setting boundaries and protecting your mental, emotional, and physical space.
- 4. Recognizing that your self-care needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
Exercise 1: Redefining Selfish for Yourself
Grab your journal and reflect on the following:
- What words come to mind when you hear the word “selfish”? Are they positive or negative? Why?
- Write down three ways that taking care of yourself can positively impact the people you love.
- When was the last time you put yourself first? How did it feel? If you haven’t, why not?
Part Two: Setting Boundaries—Protect Your Space
One of the hardest but most important steps toward being “selfish” is setting boundaries. Many of us are people-pleasers, saying “yes” when we really want to say “no.” We let others interrupt us, take up our time, or encroach on our mental and emotional space. Why? Because we don’t want to disappoint anyone.
But here’s the truth: when you don’t set boundaries, you end up disappointing yourself.
Take the example of a friend of mine—a retired civil servant starting his own business from home. He diligently worked six hours a day developing this new career. However, whenever a family member was home they interrupted him, after all he was home right? They would just start asking questions or talking. After losing his train of thought he gave up and felt guilty asking them to leave. He let the distractions continue, and his frustration grew. Since this business didn’t bring in any income yet there was a feeling of obligation to the family and didn’t set limits or boundaries on the interruption time either. Sound familiar?
Boundaries are about communicating your needs clearly and firmly. If you’re working from home, let your family know your schedule and that interruptions are off-limits during those hours. If you need time alone to recharge, say so—without guilt. Your time is valuable, and you deserve to protect it.
It’s also important to help them to understand that this time is the same as being at work somewhere else, that this is important and can be difficult for you. Maybe make them part of the team and let them know that your alone time is important to give you the space and privacy you need to create.
Exercise 2: Identify and Communicate Your Boundaries
Take a moment to reflect, get out your journal and write down the following:
- Where in your life do you feel overextended? Who or what is demanding too much of your time or energy?
- What specific boundary could you set to protect your time, space, or energy? (Example: “I will not answer work emails after 5 PM.”)
- Practice how you’ll communicate that boundary. Write down a simple script, such as: “I love helping you, but I need some uninterrupted time to focus on my work. Can we talk later?”
Part Three: Carving Out Physical and Mental Space
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Now that you’re learning to set boundaries, let’s talk about creating space—both physical and mental. Your environment plays a big role in how you feel and function. If you’re constantly surrounded by clutter or distractions, it’s no wonder you feel frazzled and drained.
Physical Space: Where can you create a space just for yourself? A quiet corner of the house, a room, or even a desk at a coffee shop or library can become your refuge.
I have a friend who is a writer but gets too easily distracted by being in his house. So he sets up shop at a local coffee shop. He makes sure he “pays” for his office by being a good patron and purchases drinks and such. If you don’t want to do that, the local libraries these days have great facilities and often have study rooms you can reserve. Plus, free Wi-Fi and books at your fingertips!
Avoid working on your bed (it’s meant for rest and you need it!) and be creative with what you have. Move some furniture around, claim a small corner, and make it yours. My dad worked out of a closet when I was a toddler, starting his own business. And I have adorable pictures to prove it!
My advice, avoid the kitchen table or your couch as you will find yourself having to clean up and put everything away all of the time. Out of sight could mean out of mind. If the kitchen is all you have then at least give yourself a small corner that you can sit and work at whenever you want. You would be amazed what kind of small desk you can find on Amazon or Craigslist for practically nothing or even free.
Mental Space: Mental clutter—like constant worries, to-do lists, or unfinished tasks—can be just as exhausting as physical clutter. Take time to clear your mind. Meditation, deep breathing, or even a long walk can help you refocus and recharge. Check out my blog here on meditation and journaling.
Exercise 3: Create Your Space
- Where can you carve out physical space for yourself? Describe it in detail—what does it look like? Will you feel comfortable there?
- What one step can you take today to create that space? (Example: clear off a corner of the kitchen table, visit the library, or move a chair to a quiet spot.)
- How will you carve out mental space? Choose one action: journaling, taking a walk, meditating, taking a longer hot shower, or simply sitting in silence for five minutes.
- Remember nothing needs to be fancy –
Start Where You Are – Use What You Have – Do What You Can!
Arthur Ashe – American tennis LegenD
Take a picture and post it on social media for fun! Or post it below and show ME!
When you are ready for more “me time” read some of my blogs (LINKS HEre
Part 4: The Ripple Effect—Why Self-Care Benefits Everyone
If you’re still feeling hesitant about being “selfish,” let me leave you with this: when you take care of yourself, everyone benefits. When you take care of you – lower stress, anxiety, better sleep (add link about sleep aids and blog), eat right, you replenish your energy. You can make more clear decisions, increase your concentration and be there for those around you and not thinking about what you need to do next.
When you prioritize your own needs:
- You show up as a more patient parent, partner, or caregiver.
- You have more energy and creativity to give to your work or passions.
- You set an example for your children, friends, or family to value themselves too.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s essential.
Exercise 4: Visualize the Ripple Effect
Yup get out your journal again! Write down your answers to the following:
- If you gave yourself one hour a day (or even 15 minutes), what would you do for yourself? What can you realistically do for yourself?
- How would that small act of self-care make you feel? Energized? Happy? Calm?
- How would this positively impact your relationships, work, or daily life? Be specific.
My Final Thoughts
I learned this redefinition of selfishness in my mid-20s. It does seem to be a little more mainstream today but it’s still difficult as we get older, have more responsibilities, maybe become the sole provider for a home and family.
Perhaps our generation had it pounded into us that family comes first, we must sacrifice our time for our job and the company’s bottom line, so our department doesn’t experience budget cuts. This still seems to be the American way. It doesn’t have to be.
Take a cue from me…I have learned through years of therapy, having really big jobs to no job and nothing but time all day, and feeling my body age faster than my head can believe that it’s time to start NOW. Not when the kids are out of school, not when you get the next big job, not when you have money in the bank again.
It’s NOW!
Give Yourself Permission
I hope this blog post has given you a new perspective on what it means to be “selfish.” You don’t need permission from anyone else to put yourself first—you just need to decide that you matter. Because you do.
Take just ONE of these steps today – set a boundary, carve out some space, or give yourself permission to have some alone time. Remember, no one will suffer if you take a little time for yourself. In fact, everyone will benefit.
Every woman who heals herself helps heal all those who came before her and all those who will come after ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD and Author
Thanks for spending time with me today. Thank you for allowing me to share with you and I hope you have a little more insight as to who I am and what brings me here.
Take a moment and let me know who you are and why you came here to my blog today in the comments below. Follow me here: add link for signing up for blog and get notified when a new blog posts.
Thanks to YOU, for reading, listening, and believing in yourself to read this all the way through and for being a little selfish.
Finally, and this will not be the last time that I say this, I promise you, that in each and every blog and vlog I post, the answer you are seeking is here. Only you can find it.
Signing off with hugs and a smile!
Sandra
Enjoy the Journey!
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